Woe is the self tape

So the other day I finally had my first “audition” of the year… it was a self tape. A self tape means (like it sounds, I guess) that you have to film the audition yourself, edit it all together, and send it off to casting.

Producers/directors love the self tape style of auditioning people because it means they don’t have to bother with the tedious and often gruelling process of actually meeting actors. It means they get to save precious time and money and make the whole process as distant and disconnected as possible.

I mean sure, they could meet us to get an idea as to what kind of people we are, see what we have to offer, and get a sense of whether we’d be fun to work with, but meh! Why bother? The self tape means they can say ‘absolutely not’ without having to bother with those pesky in person niceties that we all hate so much.

But hey I’m not bitter! That’s enough with the sarcasm… I’ll play the game like the rest of ’em.

Screen Shot 2018-01-28 at 6.26.13 PM

This is my “My name is Heather! Please go ahead and hire me” smile. Which I include in every tape and which maybe nobody has ever bothered to actually watch… until now that is! Thanks you guys!

Screen Shot 2018-01-28 at 6.18.56 PM

And this is my “I’m busy playing video games” expression. This tape was for a very odd and slightly awkward to film commercial (think old spice feels). I had to be engrossed in a video game and then become cold (??). So yeah, had fun with that. Of course every one of my friends and their dogs submitted for this audition and nobody has heard anything so far. Such is the life. Still, at least it was a relatively short and easy to do. Once I had to put together a tape for “Grease” the musical. I had to read some crazy 8 pages of sides for 4 different characters, choreograph a dance (which I ended up filming in the parking garage of my building) and sing a full recording of a 50s song… the whole tape was 10 minutes long and took me an entire day to put together and I heard NOTHING. Not even a “thanks for submitting”.  But I wasn’t too bothered. I mean don’t even like Grease.

Anyways I hope you all had a magical Sunday! Feel free to let me know what you got up to.

As always thanks for reading xo

Poem: farewell kiss

All at once
with her mind’s eye
she sees

through
resounding light,
her whole life.

Every breath,
each beat of her
heart.

The what ifs
and the should
have beens

d
i
s
s
o
l
v
e

in a farewell kiss.

For finally
she has learned
to live

most
intentionally,

most
unapologetically,

here
and
now.
.
.
.

On happiness and letting go

On happiness and letting go

Please forgive the rambling nature of this post, I’m just really interested in this sort of thing these days! 🙂


 

Last night I found myself in an overwhelming state of hopelessness–  brought on by severely trivial things. I was failing hard at guitar hero (if anyone remembers that game) and then proceeded to move on to fail even more miserably at chess. Normally I’d just laugh my failures off but for whatever reason my failures on this particular night triggered some sort of emotional shit storm and I suddenly felt volcanically useless.

Do any of you know what I mean?

Those times where you just question everything you’re doing in your life, your purpose and direction, and you wonder how you’ll ever manage to navigate your way back to competence. If you know what I’m talking about, you know how utterly hopeless it feels. At times like these, it feels like the sweeping self doubt will never pass. For whatever reason we seem to convince ourselves that sadness and misery are here to stay forever which, of course, they aren’t. A few deep breaths and a good night’s sleep can help to clarify that.

These extreme emotions on the negative end of the feelings spectrum aren’t something we seek to achieve, they just kind of happen upon us. But for whatever reason, when it comes to the opposite– happiness — we are far more likely to look at it as some kind of epitome of emotional accomplishment and seek it out as something to achieve, rather than letting it be something we simply experience. And the consequence of this is that when happiness does come upon us, we often regard it as fleeting, something that is impossible to hold onto, and that, in turn, makes us even sadder.

We need to accept that happiness, like everything else we feel, comes in waves. It comes and goes. By trying to grasp some kind of permanent feeling of happiness we are actually doing ourselves a great disservice. People will sometimes ask one another, “are you happy with your life?” Which as an absolutely absurd and loaded question. I think it’s far better to strive for contentment, don’t you? If we strive for contentment then we can better appreciate happiness when it comes. Letting go of the idea that we should be ‘obtaining happiness’ and instead just live our lives and give ourselves permission to feel accepting of whatever emotions life throws at us will probably lead us in a more peaceful direction.

The demand for permanence in every area of our existence is the cause of human misery.

That quote comes from U.G. Krishnamurti. I guess all of these thoughts are coming from a series of audio recordings of his that I’ve been listening to of late, along with a whole lot of Alan Watts.

I’ll share one recording which has left a particularly strong impression on me…

 

So what do you guys think? I’d love to get some discussion going and hear some of your thoughts. Please feel free to share them if you’re so inclined. If not, then I’ll just say thanks for reading and I hope you have a great night/afternoon/morning wherever you are.

Some things never change

Some things never change

A photo from one of the days in the 1900s …

You may or may not be able to tell, but the little girl in the middle of this photo is me. On one side of me there is a stranger (unidentified little girl in pants), and then there is the girl on the right. The girl who was, is, and has always been, my best friend.

Clearly we go back a long way. Further back than this photo would suggest if you can believe it. You see, our parents happened to become neighbours while our moms were pregnant with us. I was born, and then I had to wait as a lonely little baby for 6 agonizing best friendless months until Pam was ready to join me. But join me she did, and from there we shared a crib and began getting to know each other even before we had any command over the english language. It was the beginning of our lifelong friendship, and we ran with it. Our parents had no idea they were setting up the greatest set of best friends ever created in the history of this earth.

That’s not an exaggeration, either. I’m just stating the facts as I know them, okay?

When Pam shared this photo with me today I started feeling a little extra nostalgic and not just for how much better I styled my hair then than now, but because, as of this past December, my best friend is officially engaged. Getting married! Tying the knot. Sealing the deal with her soulmate.  (Can’t believe she has the audacity to do it before me I mean I was born first after all isn’t there a sort of code of conduct about this sort of thing? .. rude. But whatever.)

I feel like I could write this whole snivelling post about her and everything she means to me, but maybe I’ll save that for my wedding speech and spare you all, haha.

It’s nice to know that however much time passes, however grown up we become, one thing will never change– we will always be best friends.

Okay end of sentimental blog post. It’s ova. Get outta here.

Hope you all have a great Saturday! 🙂

On not having a plan

On not having a plan

When I moved to Toronto to pursue acting two years ago I was wildly optimistic. I envisioned talk show interviews, red carpets, sparkly lights, glam dresses, set life— actually wait a minute, HAHAHA. No I didn’t. I’m a dreamer, but also a realist… which is maybe a bit contradictory. I didn’t imagine being the next insert-actor-name-here, that’s never been my goal. I did, however, imagine being able to support myself a little more comfortably with the help of the odd job here and there. I did imagine booking real acting roles with substance that were both fun and challenging to perform. I imagined that the arts culture here would help me to discover and shape my craft.

Some of these visions have come true, and others not so much. Most of my circle is comprised of like-minded souls who are in the arts community in some form or another. Lots of actors, musicians, dancers, artists, writers. We’re all here for the same reason— for the opportunity to share our stories and our talents with a community that cares. We’re here to be discovered, to create, and to have a voice.

The past few months have been very introspective for me. To be perfectly honest they’ve been a bit of a struggle. I only have myself to blame, I mean, who goes galavanting around Europe for two months knowing they’d be coming home broke and stressed and still goes anyway? I have no regrets. But it does mean that I’m looking objectively at my life choice of pursuing acting and what that means for me in terms of being able to actually support myself— while ideally maintaining some form of sanity. Not to mention trying to maintain my creative charge. Life can be pretty difficult in this concrete jungle which is one of the most expensive cities in Canada. On the plus side, one of the great things about being an actor is that when you do book jobs they pay very well. I have paid an entire month’s rent based off of one commercial booking which was just a day’s work. Print jobs are nothing to shake your head at either. The reality, unfortunately, is that most of the time I’m not working. Acting jobs are not something you can count on. And in that sense, a large part of this career that I’m after is totally out of my control. Yes, I can work on my own projects and hone the craft without a booking. But I’m talking straight up just surviving in the city without losing my mind.

It feels like the plan to be an actor translates into not having a plan at all.

A lot of us turn to restaurant jobs to pull us through. I did that for my first year here, but not again. It wasn’t for me. Each day I could feel my soul abandoning my body due to the sheer monotony. I said goodbye to that job and started something else, another pursuit which also didn’t work out. I stressed so much about what to do. Then 2018 rolled in and I made a promise to myself that no matter what I wouldn’t spend any time in a job that didn’t in some way satisfy my soul. If I wasn’t working as an actor, then I would be working in the field of some of my other interests.

I decided to start my own business. It’s very slow and not bringing in much more than pennies at the moment, but I hope that with my dedication and hard work I can see it grow throughout 2018. I’m also going back to my roots this year— teaching yoga and dance— and as an added bonus, as I mentioned in the previous post, I’m also starting a few photography projects.

Where will it all lead? I have no idea. But I feel a lot better now in not having a plan and instead having many plans. Because, why not? Life is not a cookie cutter event, it’s in our own hands and in our own power to mold into whatever cookie shape we want. When times are tough, I can still smile. When times aren’t tough, I’ll appreciate it more.

Someone once told me that if my life were easy, then I probably wasn’t on my own path. Well, things aren’t easy. So I guess that means I’m headed in the right direction.

If you have any thoughts on the subject I’d be interested in hearing them.

As always, thank you for reading.