The fake “I’m awake” voice

Do you ever utilize the fake “I’m awake” voice in the morning?

I’m sure you know what I’m talking about..

It’s 10 am, creeping closer to noon, and you’re still sound asleep; all snuggled up and comfy in bed. You might feel guilty (if you were conscious) because your spouse woke up bright and early to go to work (to benefit the both of you, I might add). Or perhaps cancel the spouse. You’re still sleeping despite the fact that you have mountains of work to get done that you haven’t even started yet. You told yourself you would do it, and yet nothing is getting crossed off the list because you are still drowning in the drool on your pillow.

Days like these are funny because we all deserve a rest day now and then (right?), yet it’s hard to justify them when everyone else in the world seems to be up and about curing diseases, serving justice, and conquering mountains. Your family and friends are becoming better and brighter people while you are drifting lazily in dream land. But you don’t care, you’re asleep!

Until the phone rings, that is, and you groggily look at the caller ID to see that your spouse, or your mom, or whoever, is calling you. You look at the time and realise you’ve wasted half the day in bed, and things that ought to have been done hours ago remain unattended, and indeed, completely neglected. You imagine the disbelief they will have in their voice if you answer the phone only to tell them the terrible truth.

“You’re STILL sleeping??” they will say with that undertone of arrogance and incredulity that you loathe.

You just can’t let that happen. You still deny the reality of your procrastination even to yourself, so instead of owning up to your lazy ass, you decide instead to implement your fake “I’m awake” voice. The voice you muster up despite your hoarse morning throat, to prove to that caller that you, just like them, have been up since dawn, attending to various chores and necessities with vigilance.

So you prepare yourself, and hurriedly cough out the frogs from your throat. You take hold of the phone like you’ve been awake since 6 in the goddamn morning and have had the absolute most grueling day ever, tackling task after daunting task.

With utmost gusto, you press the answer button and say “Hello?” as clear, concise, crisp, and lively as it is possible to pretend. You are the master of feigning productivity. Your caller responds none the wiser as you answer their questions seamlessly, smiling at your success as you begin the arduous task of rubbing the sleep out of your eyes.

You are the great pretender, stealing audience love with your profound performance. Well done, masterful one. Now back to bed.