The argumentative barista

I had an interesting, and indeed, mind-baffling encounter with a barista at Starbucks today. I know what you’re thinking… how could an interaction with a barista possibly be considered mind-baffling? Surely you exaggerate!

And I’ll concede, my story doesn’t relate the experience of witnessing a dinosaur ordering a mocha, which would be absolutely amazing. Or anything else equally outrageous. But it is right up there. Let me tell you.

It starts innocently enough, I’m waiting in a stupidly long line brimming with other coffee-addicts also willing to drop five hard earned dollars on mediocre (let’s be honest) coffee. As I wait amongst the well organised herd, I pretend that this moment isn’t a complete waste of time by fiddling around on my phone checking all my very important non-emails. I inch closer and closer to the front of the line until finally I hear someone say they can take my order.

I’m at the university Starbucks, so I know I better keep it simple. They have a very hard time maintaining their attention spans long enough to make drinks correctly there. You’re lucky if you get someone who actually reads the letters on the bottom of the cup, usually it’s like playing the coffee lottery. Sometimes you win, but usually you lose.

“I’ll have a green tea latte, please. With soy.”

She proceeds to write that down and then passes the cup to the bar. Now I cross my fingers and hope for the best.

An irrationally long period of time passes which I feel will never end. I stand at the end of the bar awaiting my drink with at least ten other saps. All of us have been sucked into the void that is this university Starbucks, and it’ll be a miracle if we get our drinks before we’re dead. I see seven or eight barely-past-their-teens employees giggling away like little school girls, oblivious to the drink orders piling up and doing NOTHING. I wonder how this place stays in business with employees who don’t do anything, and hate myself for continuing to return day after day. Following that I cry a little inside when I realise that another twenty minutes of my life has been frittered away here in coffee hell, and I imagine I must look like some sort of doll devoid of substance to the passers-by who still have lives. Pity me, humans, for my life no longer has meaning.

But finally the light at the tunnel, and the reason why I’m suckered into coming back– my drink is called and placed out for me.

I walk over like a hopeful squirrel, and am thoroughly disappointed when I stare into my cup and see that it has been made wrong, yet again. I’ve been presented with a cup of steamed milk without any green tea in it whatsoever.

Sigh. I catch the attention of the barista who made my drink.

“I’m sorry, I ordered a green tea latte,” I say.

“That IS a green tea latte,” she replies in annoyance.

I let her tone pass, and continue.

“You forgot to put green tea in it, I’m afraid.”

“No I didn’t.”

“Yes, you did. This is just a cup of steamed soy milk.”

“Look, I know how I made the drink,” she says incredulous. “It’s a green tea.”

Fucking bullshit, I think.

“No, no” I say aloud, and rather irritated. “This drink would need to be a different colour to be correct. Green to be specific.”

Finally she takes the half second required to glance into my drink, and see despairingly that I’m right.

“Oh” she says simply. Not even an ounce of humour in her voice. “Well, what? You want me to remake it, I guess?”

You guess? Damn right you better remake that shit.

“Yes, if you don’t mind.”

She then proceeds to very dramatically pour the contents of the steamed milk out and then sighs as she gets started making the drink once more. Heaven forbid someone demand the drink they spent five dollars on. You’d think she wasn’t getting paid to do it, like I had asked her to give me her firstborn to sacrifice.

The worst part is I know I’ll go there again. Never learning, and doomed to repeat the same mistake over and over again in pursuit of green tea lattes.

I blame the mac

This past Thursday I had a test (all short/long answer questions) for one of my uni classes which had to be completed in the lab within a one hour time constraint. The class is scheduled to be, and usually always lasts,Β  for 1 1/2 hours. Why we were only allowed one hour to complete it is utterly beyond me… but anyway.

I show up to class (an achievement) early (another achievement) because I am ready to write this stupid thing and pass the crap out of it. My mindset was good, I was feeling the lure of a passing grade that morning. In fact I was in such a positive mindset that I could have barfed up some optimism and still had enough left over to be slightly obnoxious.

I studied for this test. So hard. Okay, that was a lie. I studied a little. And by a little I mean the absolute-last-minute-morning-of-the-test kind of studying. But I still knew enough about the material to wing it and do reasonably well. By my wager I had just the right amount of knowledge to pull off a nice B and feel relaxed about it.

So I’m sitting there in the lab, early, ready to go and thinking yeah, I can do this. I can pass this test! My god it’s an achievable thing. Just believe, just believe! I look to the prof in mildly tense anticipation waiting for her to give the okay to click the START TEST button. When at last she gives us all the go ahead I take a deep breath, and click. The questions pop up, and as I read through them an immense flood of relief washes over me because I know most of the answers. By some miracle, I have been given the knowledge to succeed. I sat there and thought thank you, universe! I love you.

Well let me tell you, that appreciation got me NOWHERE, and the promise of optimism is nothing but a facade to set you up for disappointment… I may be exaggerating a little here. But disappointingly..

I failed the test. Not because I didn’t know the answers, for I surely knew enough of them to pass. So how then did I fall short of success? Well…

I had to use a mac to do it.

That’s right, I am BLAMING the mac for my failure of this test. If the mac were a child I would send it to sit in the corner, or make it stand shamefully beneath a dunce cap for its ridiculous behaviour. I would even let the other kids tease it. I mean imagine my annoyance. I woke up early to read and study things I don’t care about in order to pass a test, and because of the mac, I failed anyway. Thanks a lot, apple inc!

Now before you think I’m trying to justify my failures by blaming apple products, allow me to explain. I have never had any unreasonable distaste for pretty laptops and snazzy products. I am not one of these anti-mac people who hate everything apple. I even have an ipod. So you know my grievances must be legitimate.

Before this test I had never operated a mac computer for longer than twenty seconds. I don’t even know how to describe what went wrong except that my test window disappeared, random useless windows APpeared, I couldn’t right click, I didn’t know where the minimize and maximize buttons were, random things popped up when I pushed certain buttons that wouldn’t go away, and on, and on. It was absolutely the most ridiculous thing ever. And the worst part is, I started getting so FRUSTRATED. I was fuming. I wanted to throw the keyboard across the room. Several times I imagined myself screaming aloud in unbridledΒ  rage WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT! and then grabbing my stuff and stomping out of the room like some sort of crazy child having a temper tantrum. I was so mad it was comical, because no matter what I did I could not figure out how to make it function properly, like a PC.

This was me at the end of this horrific mac experience:

By the time the test was over I had only managed to complete maybe half the questions, and not even the important ones worth the most marks. When the prof walked by and kindly asked me if I had finished, I smiled bitterly and said “For better or for worse, emphasis on the worse.” And then I imagined burning the lab down so that I would have my vengeance against the computer that damned my grade.

I’m considering blaming apple products for all of my life problems in the future. It feels good.

How to sleep and look cute at the same time

How to sleep and look cute at the same time

Warning: This post is almost certainly useless, and probably a waste of your time.

The other day I tweeted about compiling a post composed solely of pictures of my puppy sleeping. Since then I have been taking a lot of sleepy pictures of him in preparation, thinking that I would need to collect them over the course of a few weeks. But then this morning I decided to take a look and see how many pictures I have already. As it turns out, I have a lot. Presumably I have nothing better to do than sit around taking pictures of my poor, unsuspecting, snoozing puppy.

I realised that if I wait much longer, I’ll end up having hundreds of these pictures, and this post will never come to fruition. Or if it does, there will end up being so many photos that it will be impossible to look at them all before dying. I figured I’d better do it now.

I mean…. on the one hand I could get a life, but nahh… let’s make them into a blog post!

I guess my priorities have been made clear… so here we go:

How to sleep and look cute at the same time, as presented by Rupert.

sleepy1 sleepy2sleepy3sleepy4sleepy5sleepy6Well, I hope you enjoyed that. Feel free to leave your awwws in the comments. Or better yet post a link to your sleeping puppy! Or cat, or fish, or hedgehog… I’m not picky.

Have a good Saturday everyone πŸ™‚

The fake “I’m awake” voice

Do you ever utilize the fake “I’m awake” voice in the morning?

I’m sure you know what I’m talking about..

It’s 10 am, creeping closer to noon, and you’re still sound asleep; all snuggled up and comfy in bed. You might feel guilty (if you were conscious) because your spouse woke up bright and early to go to work (to benefit the both of you, I might add). Or perhaps cancel the spouse. You’re still sleeping despite the fact that you have mountains of work to get done that you haven’t even started yet. You told yourself you would do it, and yet nothing is getting crossed off the list because you are still drowning in the drool on your pillow.

Days like these are funny because we all deserve a rest day now and then (right?), yet it’s hard to justify them when everyone else in the world seems to be up and about curing diseases, serving justice, and conquering mountains. Your family and friends are becoming better and brighter people while you are drifting lazily in dream land. But you don’t care, you’re asleep!

Until the phone rings, that is, and you groggily look at the caller ID to see that your spouse, or your mom, or whoever, is calling you. You look at the time and realise you’ve wasted half the day in bed, and things that ought to have been done hours ago remain unattended, and indeed, completely neglected. You imagine the disbelief they will have in their voice if you answer the phone only to tell them the terrible truth.

“You’re STILL sleeping??” they will say with that undertone of arrogance and incredulity that you loathe.

You just can’t let that happen. You still deny the reality of your procrastination even to yourself, so instead of owning up to your lazy ass, you decide instead to implement your fake “I’m awake” voice. The voice you muster up despite your hoarse morning throat, to prove to that caller that you, just like them, have been up since dawn, attending to various chores and necessities with vigilance.

So you prepare yourself, and hurriedly cough out the frogs from your throat. You take hold of the phone like you’ve been awake since 6 in the goddamn morning and have had the absolute most grueling day ever, tackling task after daunting task.

With utmost gusto, you press the answer button and say “Hello?” as clear, concise, crisp, and lively as it is possible to pretend. You are the master of feigning productivity. Your caller responds none the wiser as you answer their questions seamlessly, smiling at your success as you begin the arduous task of rubbing the sleep out of your eyes.

You are the great pretender, stealing audience love with your profound performance. Well done, masterful one. Now back to bed.

Valentine’s day liberation

Valentine’s day is just too commercialized!

Every time I hear someone utter this phrase I want to smack them upside the head with a box of Pot of Gold chocolates… and then I want to share the chocolates with them, as an apology.

Yes, Valentine’s day is heavily commercialized… but, so what? Who cares?

You know what else is heavily commercialized? Christmas. St. Patty’s day. And yet every year there are heavily decorated trees with colourful gifts underneath, and people getting drunk off green liquor.

EVERYTHING is marketed. Not even water is exempt. This is our society. Commercialism is a means of stimulating the economy. And no one is putting a gun to your head demanding you buy that package of hershey kisses. Surely there are more important things to whinge about.

So why does the commercialization of Valentine’s day get an especially bad reputation? One reason people tend to give is that you shouldn’t need a specially designated day to show your significant other that you love them. And I agree. We shouldn’t wait all year for this day to say we love our partners. But why not use this day as an excuse to make them especially assured of our love? In fact, I’d like to challenge all of you out there in a couple to just give in and utilize the day of love by doing something extra nice for your partner. Or, if you don’t have a partner, then show the love to yourself! It’s okay to be your own valentine.

Valentine’s day is only as much about money as you choose to make it. The day is just as special if you don’t have a hallmark card or bouquet of flowers. How about showing some creativity and thinking outside the box? Make your spouse their favourite cookies/meal. Or give them an extra fondle and wink that you might usually miss. Hold their hand. Make them laugh. Give them a prolonged embrace. Look them deeply in the eye and say “I LOVE YOU”.

I bet both of you will feel warm and fuzzy for it.

Velantines day

What to do for Valentine’s day

Common complaints about Valentine’s day:

too commercialized. a hallmark holiday. a lot of pressure if you’re in a couple. sucks if you’re single (and you care). awkward conversations between single/coupled friends. just another day which happens to emphasis lovey-dovey-ness.

Sound at all familiar? Well, whether you are indifferent, energized, or dreading the day, it is coming up tomorrow and certainly we are all going to have a few thoughts over it. Whether we plan to or not.

The heavy commercialization of Valentine’s day makes it a day of confrontation- with ourselves. It is a day where we will inevitably assess our current relationship, or lack thereof. It has been this way since we were children. Think back to elementary. Remember? You made that little mailbox for yourself, garnished in hearts and kisses and stickers… and your parents bought you a set of cards to give to the other kids in your class? Wasn’t that sweet. Every Valentine’s day you received some lovely messages from your peers, whether they liked you or not. And you gave equally cute messages out to your peers, whether you liked them or not. Maybe this childhood ritual of giving and receiving is where our unreasonable expectations for Valentine’s day comes from.

Did you become accustomed to this especially nice treatment? Tragic when you grow up and realise that all the caring cards and hershey’s kisses were a lie- a false representation of the day. Don’t get too used to those niceties, kiddies! Cause we all know the truth, don’t we?

All those freebies come to a grinding halt when you’re an adult. One day you wake up on February 14th with an empty mailbox, no cards, messages, chocolates, and none on the way unless you have a partner (sometimes even if you have a partner.) You realise that you are on your own on this grueling day, your enemies don’t put up a front and give you a kiss (unless it’s the kiss of death), and the only person singing your praises is mommy dearest.

Okay maybe I’m exaggerating. Probably most people don’t care too much about it one way or the other. But just in case you’re looking for ideas on how to spend it, I have a few tiny suggestions for you all…

If you are single, and feel bitter and angry with the world because of a horrible ex who ruined your life: Have a bonfire! Collect all the pictures, presents, and representations of your ex and (safely) have a little light show to signify your moving on. If the idea of fire frightens you, then some good old fashioned tearing up of pictures can be just as satisfying and therapeutic.

If you are single, and lonely, and wishing you had a valentine: Be your own valentine! Spoil yourself. Make a giant list of the awesome things about you. Treat yourself to a little something. Buck up your chin. Find optimism, and know that you will find someone to love very soon.

If you are in a couple, but hate your partner: Have an experimental moment and shift your hatred to love on this special day! Remember that the line between hate and love is a very thin one. So change gears, and decide your relationship is worth celebrating.

If you are in a couple, and love your partner dearly: Get creative and show them the boundless extent of your love! Carve the words “I love you” into an apple, or pear. Write a gushy card, or hold their hand on an evening walk. Most importantly, give them your time and genuine attention. That is the most important gift you have.

Personally I’m really digging the apple carving idea. I think that’s my plan.

So what (if anything) are you doing for Valentine’s day? Leave me a comment!