poems

Ode to Rupert

by heather anneLeave a Comment on Ode to Rupert

Your pitter-pattering incessantly in circles

reminds me of the tick-tocking of a clock.

Ruby feathers growing like weeds,

I tie back in a bow with my sock.

Confidently you strut,

you walk the tight rope like a pro.

Your needs need not go unattended here,

my duty is to provide the water for you to grow.

Though you may not be the hero type,

you still balance the edge of oblivion.

Struggling with countless indecision,

you drag yourself forward toward obsidian.

I must warn you to take heed,

before you trip and damage your chubby cheeks.

I fear if you doubt my words you may be

dragged under by the nonchalant upkeep of your feet.

When left alone for a mere moment,

you bellow shamelessly for my attention.

This inadvertence which is so undesirable to you,

is an annoyance of my own invention.

As you cry out demanding some amendment,

colour deepening from unvanquished fervor.

I say hush now and sit yourself quietly,

I’ll pick you up as your humble server.

I’m counting down between your pitters,

and getting a headache from your patters.

I’ve treated you like a king on a throne,

although for little it matters.

I am helpless against your ways,

your ferocity and adoring abundance.

Still there must soon be a moment of respite,

from those moments you make yourself an encumbrance.

I await patiently and impatiently,

while you obliviously wear me down.

Your energy is boundless,

and because of it I fear I might drown.

When at last your eyelids droop

I can hardly contain my splendor.

For now that your fire is extinguished,

we can cuddle peacefully beneath evening’s surrender.

life

There’s no such thing as flexitarianism

by heather anne1 Comment on There’s no such thing as flexitarianism

A couple weeks ago I read an article in the local paper about the rise of this new movement called “flexitarianism”. I think it must be one of the stupidest articles I’ve ever read, and I’m baffled that they wasted a full page to write about something so completely worthless. Don’t be surprised if you’ve never heard of the term before, since it doesn’t really mean anything.

A flexitarian is simply an omnivore who wants to have an unnecessary label. Maybe they eat a predominantly plant-based diet, choosing not to have meat most of the time, but they will still eat anything. Thus they have no dietary limitations. They eat whatever is convenient and available. So I’d like to pose the following question to the universe: Why does this term exist? It is not useful, it does not help denote anything to the masses. It could mean ANYTHING.

The reason we create specific words in this department is so that we can more easily identify a person’s dietary needs and restrictions. Words like pescatarian, vegetarian, and vegan are useful because they specifically define what an individual will and will not eat. When they go to a restaurant, they can tell their server the word and (probably) that server will know which menu items are appropriate for them and which are not.

Flexitarian, on the other hand, is a complete generalization. By its own definition, pretty much everyone can be classified under this label because most everyone already does eat whatever they choose, or want. So what’s the purpose? At best, this term makes a fuzzy and awkward statement that the person claiming it is most likely fickle or undecided about what sort of lifestyle they want to live. There is no tangible evidence to suggest any sort of specificity in regards to this word since it is so easily manipulated to mean whatever anyone wants it to mean.

Every time I imagine a conversation between a server and a “flexitarian” at a restaurant, it goes down like this:

Server: Hello there! Are you ready to order?

Guest: Yes I think so, but before we get started you should know that I’m a flexitarian.

Server: Oh okay. Flexitarian you say? I’m not familiar with that one… could you describe your dietary needs to me please?

Guest: Well, it’s like being a vegetarian.

Server: Oh okay! That’s easy.

Guest: Except I still eat meat and fish.

Server: …….. okay?

Guest: Yeah, I’m pretty flexible, unlike full on vegetarians.

Server: That’s… neat. So what can I get for you?

Guest: Well I’m in the mood for something really yummy. What would you recommend that can be made flexitarian?

Server: Uhhh.. well, I guess.. everything on our menu would be categorized as flexitarian by the definition you gave me. What are you in the mood for?

Guest: Well I’m in the mood for something that’s delicious, and also healthy. I’m looking at the chicken alfredo salad.

Server: Excellent choice!

Guest: Can you make it without the chicken?

Server: Of course. Alfredo salad, sans chicken. I’ll go get your order started.

Guest: Actually, wait. Do you think it will still taste as good without the chicken?

Server: Well, no.

Guest: Hmm.. well, I’d really prefer it without the chicken. But since I’m a flexitarian, could I customize the alfredo salad to come with chicken?

Server: So.. you want the regular chicken alfredo salad that’s on the menu?

Guest: Oh no, I’m flexitarian. I’d like the alfredo salad, but WITH chicken.

Server: Right…

Guest: I’m flexible.

…………………………

Server: Well, fantastic. How about some dog shit on the side as well?

Guest: That sounds great! I’m very flexible, you see.

Server: Perfect. I’ll be right back with your alfredo salad with chicken and dog shit.

Guest: Thank you! I’m famished.

I hope I’ve made my point.

nonsense

The fake “I’m awake” voice

by heather anne9 Comments on The fake “I’m awake” voice

Do you ever utilize the fake “I’m awake” voice in the morning?

I’m sure you know what I’m talking about..

It’s 10 am, creeping closer to noon, and you’re still sound asleep; all snuggled up and comfy in bed. You might feel guilty (if you were conscious) because your spouse woke up bright and early to go to work (to benefit the both of you, I might add). Or perhaps cancel the spouse. You’re still sleeping despite the fact that you have mountains of work to get done that you haven’t even started yet. You told yourself you would do it, and yet nothing is getting crossed off the list because you are still drowning in the drool on your pillow.

Days like these are funny because we all deserve a rest day now and then (right?), yet it’s hard to justify them when everyone else in the world seems to be up and about curing diseases, serving justice, and conquering mountains. Your family and friends are becoming better and brighter people while you are drifting lazily in dream land. But you don’t care, you’re asleep!

Until the phone rings, that is, and you groggily look at the caller ID to see that your spouse, or your mom, or whoever, is calling you. You look at the time and realise you’ve wasted half the day in bed, and things that ought to have been done hours ago remain unattended, and indeed, completely neglected. You imagine the disbelief they will have in their voice if you answer the phone only to tell them the terrible truth.

“You’re STILL sleeping??” they will say with that undertone of arrogance and incredulity that you loathe.

You just can’t let that happen. You still deny the reality of your procrastination even to yourself, so instead of owning up to your lazy ass, you decide instead to implement your fake “I’m awake” voice. The voice you muster up despite your hoarse morning throat, to prove to that caller that you, just like them, have been up since dawn, attending to various chores and necessities with vigilance.

So you prepare yourself, and hurriedly cough out the frogs from your throat. You take hold of the phone like you’ve been awake since 6 in the goddamn morning and have had the absolute most grueling day ever, tackling task after daunting task.

With utmost gusto, you press the answer button and say “Hello?” as clear, concise, crisp, and lively as it is possible to pretend. You are the master of feigning productivity. Your caller responds none the wiser as you answer their questions seamlessly, smiling at your success as you begin the arduous task of rubbing the sleep out of your eyes.

You are the great pretender, stealing audience love with your profound performance. Well done, masterful one. Now back to bed.

nonsense

Valentine’s day liberation

by heather anneLeave a Comment on Valentine’s day liberation

Valentine’s day is just too commercialized!

Every time I hear someone utter this phrase I want to smack them upside the head with a box of Pot of Gold chocolates… and then I want to share the chocolates with them, as an apology.

Yes, Valentine’s day is heavily commercialized… but, so what? Who cares?

You know what else is heavily commercialized? Christmas. St. Patty’s day. And yet every year there are heavily decorated trees with colourful gifts underneath, and people getting drunk off green liquor.

EVERYTHING is marketed. Not even water is exempt. This is our society. Commercialism is a means of stimulating the economy. And no one is putting a gun to your head demanding you buy that package of hershey kisses. Surely there are more important things to whinge about.

So why does the commercialization of Valentine’s day get an especially bad reputation? One reason people tend to give is that you shouldn’t need a specially designated day to show your significant other that you love them. And I agree. We shouldn’t wait all year for this day to say we love our partners. But why not use this day as an excuse to make them especially assured of our love? In fact, I’d like to challenge all of you out there in a couple to just give in and utilize the day of love by doing something extra nice for your partner. Or, if you don’t have a partner, then show the love to yourself! It’s okay to be your own valentine.

Valentine’s day is only as much about money as you choose to make it. The day is just as special if you don’t have a hallmark card or bouquet of flowers. How about showing some creativity and thinking outside the box? Make your spouse their favourite cookies/meal. Or give them an extra fondle and wink that you might usually miss. Hold their hand. Make them laugh. Give them a prolonged embrace. Look them deeply in the eye and say “I LOVE YOU”.

I bet both of you will feel warm and fuzzy for it.

Velantines day

life

Pay station flirtation

by heather anne2 Comments on Pay station flirtation

The date: Feb 12, 2013. The time: 8:55 am. The rush: Rehearsal starting in 5 minutes.

Yesterday was a strange one. Sleeping didn’t go well, and waking up only got worse. The boyfriend startled me awake in an angry frenzy. For some odd reason he was convinced that I’d  turned his alarm clock off and thus was responsible for his being late to an important day at work, and also probably for the sun’s inevitable explosion.

And no, he wasn’t right. I didn’t turn it off, I hadn’t even gotten the chance yet since it was only 5:30…. meaning his alarm wouldn’t be going off for another 20 minutes. Yeah, thanks for the extra early wake up, honey bunches. Seems such a silly thing,  but somehow that didn’t stop his delirium from pissing me right off and escalating us into a fight before we’d even been awake for 3 minutes.

The fight didn’t last long, in case you were wondering. When finally the fatigued confusion wore off, and we had the sense to digest the facts accurately -being that he thought it was an hour later than it actually was- and that he was being a completely unreasonable jerk (could be that I’m the only one who agreed to this last point), we made up and life continued.

But that story isn’t the point of this post…  I just wanted to give some background information into my state of mind before getting into the juicy story that’s coming up…

….ahem… (why are you still reading this).

Okay, so I’m over tired, didn’t sleep well, and had a strange wake up. Tuesday mornings are my early rehearsal day, we start at 9 (this is pretty intense if you’re me). So I drive in, somewhat on the late side (but not doing too bad), and manage to get a good parking spot. I walk hurriedly up to the lobby of the parkade where there are two pay stations to use. Unfortunately, both are only just occupied by one guy and one girl who happened to beat me there by a mere fraction of a second.

So I’m waiting patiently and checking on the time since I know I have somewhere to be very shortly. The time: 8:55 am. As I wait seemingly patiently, the buddy at pay station 1 decides that now is a GREAT time to go on a flirt fest with girl at pay station 2. So as I stand there waiting, I am listening to an agonizing attempt at flirtation, and some of the worst sounding small talk that I have EVER heard in my entire life. I was feeling pretty bad for the girl, and the guy, but still I stood there politely waiting to use the machine to pay.

The time: 8:57 am. The guy has finished punching in his license plate number and now has his ticket. But he is too occupied with flirting to move his ass away from in front of the machine. So I am now just an invisible spectator being hindered from my task because this guy feels the need to embarrass himself so early in the morning. I’m thinking to myself, oh my god, is he going to get out of the way so I can get my ticket?, as I think this I just get more annoyed. Time is ticking and I’m not about to be late for this guy’s horrendous timing choices. I have no choice but to interrupt.

“So…” I begin, I think it’s the first time they have noticed my presence, “Can I use the machine now?”

Buddy whips around as if I have just appeared from the dust. “Huh, what?” he says with stupidity.

And I am even more annoyed at his oblivion.

I repeat myself. “Can I use the machine now? Or do you need to keep standing there a little longer?”

The girl at the other station bursts out laughing and the guy is now looking totally deflated and embarrassed. He moves away in confusion and mumbles “oh, huh, sorry” before bee-lining it to the door.

So to the guy who flirted at the pay station: I’m sorry that I embarrassed you. And even more sorry that you are a terrible flirt.

But that’s just how it rolls when I have no sleep and no time to edit my words.

nonsense

What to do for Valentine’s day

by heather anneLeave a Comment on What to do for Valentine’s day

Common complaints about Valentine’s day:

too commercialized. a hallmark holiday. a lot of pressure if you’re in a couple. sucks if you’re single (and you care). awkward conversations between single/coupled friends. just another day which happens to emphasis lovey-dovey-ness.

Sound at all familiar? Well, whether you are indifferent, energized, or dreading the day, it is coming up tomorrow and certainly we are all going to have a few thoughts over it. Whether we plan to or not.

The heavy commercialization of Valentine’s day makes it a day of confrontation- with ourselves. It is a day where we will inevitably assess our current relationship, or lack thereof. It has been this way since we were children. Think back to elementary. Remember? You made that little mailbox for yourself, garnished in hearts and kisses and stickers… and your parents bought you a set of cards to give to the other kids in your class? Wasn’t that sweet. Every Valentine’s day you received some lovely messages from your peers, whether they liked you or not. And you gave equally cute messages out to your peers, whether you liked them or not. Maybe this childhood ritual of giving and receiving is where our unreasonable expectations for Valentine’s day comes from.

Did you become accustomed to this especially nice treatment? Tragic when you grow up and realise that all the caring cards and hershey’s kisses were a lie- a false representation of the day. Don’t get too used to those niceties, kiddies! Cause we all know the truth, don’t we?

All those freebies come to a grinding halt when you’re an adult. One day you wake up on February 14th with an empty mailbox, no cards, messages, chocolates, and none on the way unless you have a partner (sometimes even if you have a partner.) You realise that you are on your own on this grueling day, your enemies don’t put up a front and give you a kiss (unless it’s the kiss of death), and the only person singing your praises is mommy dearest.

Okay maybe I’m exaggerating. Probably most people don’t care too much about it one way or the other. But just in case you’re looking for ideas on how to spend it, I have a few tiny suggestions for you all…

If you are single, and feel bitter and angry with the world because of a horrible ex who ruined your life: Have a bonfire! Collect all the pictures, presents, and representations of your ex and (safely) have a little light show to signify your moving on. If the idea of fire frightens you, then some good old fashioned tearing up of pictures can be just as satisfying and therapeutic.

If you are single, and lonely, and wishing you had a valentine: Be your own valentine! Spoil yourself. Make a giant list of the awesome things about you. Treat yourself to a little something. Buck up your chin. Find optimism, and know that you will find someone to love very soon.

If you are in a couple, but hate your partner: Have an experimental moment and shift your hatred to love on this special day! Remember that the line between hate and love is a very thin one. So change gears, and decide your relationship is worth celebrating.

If you are in a couple, and love your partner dearly: Get creative and show them the boundless extent of your love! Carve the words “I love you” into an apple, or pear. Write a gushy card, or hold their hand on an evening walk. Most importantly, give them your time and genuine attention. That is the most important gift you have.

Personally I’m really digging the apple carving idea. I think that’s my plan.

So what (if anything) are you doing for Valentine’s day? Leave me a comment!